Shackled

by GTA Otaku

Have you ever felt that you were different from everyone else? Yeah, yeah I know, everyone is unique, "Imagine if we were all the same." Have heard it all before, boring! Not what this is about.

I'm talking the sort of different that makes you look at yourself and say "You are the most worthless human being that has ever lived. You are at the bottom and you will always be at the bottom because you don't have what it takes to make it to the top. Always failing at this and failing at that. Everyone else manages why can't you? Oh yes, because you are pathetic and you always will be. You might as well be dead."

Hi, my name is Juke.

Who am I? Why I'm the little whisper in the back of your mind, the ache in the pit of your stomach. I am self doubt. I am low esteem. I am self hatred. I have a Diamond VIP card in the mind of Arnold Judas Rimmer.

Look, there he is now sitting on the edge of his bunk and going over the events of today in his mind. Oh what a fun day we had. They played this Total Immersion Video game, "Better than Life" it was called, and for a while Rimmer was having a really good time. Well old Juke couldn't be letting that happen could he? Now our Arnold feels guilty, guilty for what I made happen.

"Look at yourself Rimmer. You are the most worthless human being that has ever lived. You are at the bottom and you will always be at the bottom because you don't have what it takes to make it to the top. You don't have anything and you never will. You might as well be dead. Oh wait, you are."

Now he's remembering his Father, and everything his Father ever told him. What he remembers most is the pain, the way that shame burned him as he was stretched on the rack. How could he possibly have a normal life after living through that for nearly a decade?

And yet he still has this image in his head of his Father's death bed and the whole family at his side saying their goodbyes. He tells each of Rimmer's Brothers one by one how proud he is of them, especially Frank. Then it's Rimmer's turn. His Father looks at him, but says nothing. He simply dies. What has Rimmer done to make him proud?

Which hurts more?

He realises the point at which it all went wrong, when he had met his Father in the game, Cat's version. Oh the power the man holds over him even now they are both passed on. Like shackles, forever will his disappointment weigh heavy around Rimmer's neck, ankles, wrists.

Now he's looking at the ceiling, going over more of his life and death of being a total smeg head. Rising, pacing the room. "Good thing you're made of light, you'd wear a hole in the floor." Oh smeg, I made him smile.

He's still smiling. It wasn't that funny. What is he doing? What's he thinking.

*"Holly, give me four sheets of A4, a ruler, and five colouring pencils. Anything but bottle green". *

Ah I see, "setting yourself up for another failure are we Arnold?" Well go ahead, make my week.

I think I'm going to enjoy this.

Awe bless, he's labelling the little boxes. *Monday... Tuesday... *think I'm going to go away that easily?

Rimmer worked long into the night.

###

"You don't understand any of it because you're a total smeghead. Look at all those numbers, might as well give up now."

This time he took it slow, in stages, finding that he had more time to do so now that he didn't have to worry about shifts and stasis time and Lister.

"Where is Lister anyway, hanging out with the Cat? Ooh a mock, yes let us do a Mock, I do so love watching people fail mocks."

You know what, I think he's stopped listening to me. How rude.

###

"You fluked. Everyone flukes now and again."

Rimmer took a deep breath, and started another mock. He only had two days to go.

###

QED

###

"How much sleep did you not get last night? And now it's the big day, and you are going to fail."

*Wait for it, wait for it. Exam paper over. *

"Oh look at that question, real doody isn't it, and you don't know the answer, you don't you don't. No it's not there, what are you writing."

"How can you know that?"

Right, so you had that particular passage down. Enjoy it while you can, next question you will...

Hah, knew I would catch you out. Oh dear. No point taking a breath, you've only got five minutes left and you don't know the answer. Got to answer all the questions to win you know.

Writing something are we, you know that's wrong, that is so wrong. You're making it up, might as well write "I am a Fish".

There, it's all over.

"What a waste of your finite time that was."

Why do you bother even trying any more?

###

Lister took the envelope, holding it tightly in his hands. "Ready?"

Rimmer shrugged, he knew what the answer would be as Lister opened the envelope and read through the paper.

His eyes widened. He closed the letter, opened it again, and laughed.

"Well how did I do?"

Lister simply walked away.

"How did I do Lister?"

"What's the pass rate?" The younger man asked, turning.

"80%, how did I do?" Rimmer was frantic now, chasing Lister down the corridor.

Finally, Lister stopped and held the paper open beside his face, allowing Rimmer to read it. "82% Mister Rimmer sir". He laughed again.

Rimmer almost fell through the wall as his legs gave way.

###

Hello... hello...

What's this, the dream has changed.

"Well done."

Shackled

Vertical Horizon

      For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold
      And it leaves me there without a place to call my own 
      I know now what shadows can see
      There's no point in running 'less you run with me
      It's half the distance through the open door
      Before you cut me down
      Again
      Let me introduce you to the end 
      And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings
      It always leads me back to suffering
      But I will soar until the wind whips me down
      Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again 
      So tired now of paying my dues
      I start out strong but then I always lose
      It's half the distance before you leave me behind
      It's such a waste of time 
      [Chorus]
      'Cause my shackles
      You won't be
      And my rapture
      You won't believe
      And deep inside you will bleed for me 
      So here I slave inside of a broken dream
      Forever holding on to splitting seams
      So take your piece and leave me alone to die
      I don't need you to keep my faith alive 
      I know now what trouble can be
      And why it follows me so easily
      It's half the distance through the open door
      Before you shut me down
      Again
      Let me introduce you to the end 
      [Chorus]
      Though you know you care 
      [Chorus]
      And my laughter
      You won't hear
      The faster 
      I disappear
      And time will burn your eyes to tears