Leaving

by Kathryn A

Thanks to Jedi Buttercup and Drednort for beta-reading.

Ten steps, turn, ten steps back. He knew exactly how long it would take before he wore a hole in the carpet, and he also knew that they would replace the carpet long before then. Clean up the mess from their canary in its gilded cage. He stopped and stared at the fish swimming in the aquarium. That was him, mindlessly swimming around, eating his well-balanced nutritional puree, bounded by four walls, stared at from outside, never seeing past the one-way mirrors. Man in fishbowl.

He started pacing again.

He'd told Sydney he would never give up, that he would never stop trying to find out about his parents. What had happened in those years between? He'd been waiting until he was "old enough". And then he'd... forgotten. Past time, long past time since he was old enough.

Curiosity, that's what it had been. All those people, burned alive in that explosion, the fear of the pilots as the plane went down out of control, the blast so fierce that nothing was left of the black box. And he had to find out why. Not just why the plane had exploded, but who was responsible. He had gone further than his remit. And the surprise of the answer was like the shock of electricity to restart a dying heart.

He was responsible.

Not directly, no. And he hadn't been certain of it, but the resemblance to one of his earlier simulations had nagged at him and nagged at him. He needed to know. So he "borrowed" the records of all his past simulations, scanning through them until he found what he had been afraid of finding.

His work had been used to kill.

If they had done it once, they would do it again. And perhaps they had already done it more than once. He wouldn't know until he'd searched through all his simulations. When would he find the time to do that?

He shook his head. There was no "someday". Someday was now. He couldn't let them use him to kill again. As long as he thought he was helping people, there didn't seem to be any real hurry to leave. But now... It had to stop. It had to stop right now.

He had to flee, escape their falsehoods and manipulations. He could get away clean, if he wanted to. Hide where the Center could never find him. But he didn't want to. Getting away wasn't enough. He had to be true to his promise to himself to find out the truth about his parents. He would never do that if he wasn't on the Center's radar. He had to keep them running after him, chasing but never catching. A dangerous game. Ah, but he was good at games. Most excellent at them. He always won.

They had to pay. But not until he'd pried their secrets loose from them. And in the meantime, there was his own guilt to consider. Could he ever make it up to those whose blood was on his hands? Perhaps not. Dead was dead. What penance could he undergo to pay for his complicity? How could he use his gifts for good?

To speak for those who had no voice, to bring justice, no, vengeance, on those who abused the weak.

Well.

He knew just what kind of clue to leave for them.

When his door shut behind him for the last time, it was there on his desk; standing proud, an origami angel, its wings bent down.

Miss Parker would know what it meant.

These lyrics leapt out and said "Jarod" to me. Then I rewatched some episodes and realized they fitted best the situation just before the start of the series. Then I sat down and wrote this basically in one sitting. 8-)

Lyrics

"In The Shadows"

by The Rasmus

      No sleep
      No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
      Won't stop
      Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
      Sometimes
      I feel I going down and so disconnected
      Somehow
      I know that I am haunted to be wanted
      I've been watching
      I've been waiting
      In the shadows for my time
      I've been searching
      I've been living
      For tomorrows all my life
      In the shadows
      In the shadows
      They say
      That I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
      But I
      I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave
      Sometimes
      I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
      Somehow
      I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder
      I've been watching
      I've been waiting
      In the shadows for my time
      I've been searching
      I've been living
      For tomorrows all my life
      Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
      Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher
      I've been watching
      I've been waiting
      In the shadows for my time
      I've been searching
      I've been living
      For tomorrows all my life
      I've been watching
      I've been waiting
      I've been searching
      I've been living for tomorrows
      In the shadows
      In the shadows
      I've been waiting