How Do You Solve A Problem Like O'Neill?

(Hammond's song)

by Judith Proctor and Kathryn A
(to the tune of "How do you solve a problem like Maria?")

How do you solve a problem like O'Neill?
How do you catch a hawk and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means O'Neill?
A pain in the ass, a Jack-in-the-box, a clown?

Many's the thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many's the thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay, and listen to all you say?
How do you make him know who's in command?
Oh how do you solve a problem like O'Neill?
How do you hold a Colonel in your hand?

(May 17th 2003)